Hidden to Heal

As a child, I ruled the elementary school playgrounds. I was the Queen of kickball, I dominated the relay races, and I was a force to reckon with on the four-square courts. But my favorite game was hide-and-seek. The other kids always wanted me to be “It” because they knew no one could find me if I went to hide.

I always found a thrill in hiding from the other kids. I’d snuggle into my favorite hiding places, usually with a book, because I knew I wouldn’t see anyone soon. And I would revel in not being found. There was a certain joy in being hidden. My hiding places were always spots where I could see every one, even when they couldn’t see me. And my hiding abilities were prodigious- I was powerful, I was all-knowing, I was elusive.

My ability to hide became a trait I also leaned into as a teenager. I was usually the smartest kid in the room, but I hated to show it because teachers would often call me out and use my work as an example of how to do something correctly, which earned me the label of “teacher’s pet.” Kids often made fun of my voice, remarking that I was trying not to sound “Black.” I also “developed” early, which gave me a very “adult” physique when I was in 9th grade. All the boys referred to me as the girl with the curves- to give the PG-rated version of it. I was a target for sexually targeted comments, assumptions, and advances. So, I hid.

I wouldn’t speak up in class, even when I knew the answers. I often wore hoodies to cover the curvaceous lower half of my body. I kept my head down and my backpack low to deter the wandering hands of curious teenage boys. In my free time, I hid between the pages of books or within the inked lines of my trusty pen. Being seen meant attention, and experience taught me that attention was unfavorable.

As an adult, hiding still felt natural to me. I mentioned before that I was called to ministry at a young age, but there was no part of me that wanted to be on anyone’s stage. I thought about publishing my writing, but the thought of discussing my books or receiving criticism of my works paralyzed me. So far, only one book has managed to stay on the market. The rest I pulled, or they are resting safely within the walls of Google Drive and Microsoft Office Suite, destined never to grace a bookshelf.

It wasn’t until I hit my 30s that hiding became less amusing and more of a hindrance to God’s plan. God had been working on me, and staying in the comfort of my hiding place was no longer an option. I had to put myself out there. It was time. Or…so I thought.

My 30s were filled with turmoil and tumultuous trials. Every time I attempted to accomplish God’s will, something seemed to keep me out of the light I now craved. I was frustrated, and hope became an abstract concept rather than a tangible and necessary thing. If God wanted me to operate in my gifts and calling, why was He holding me back?

I’d hit a bit of a breaking point in 2022. I was about 7 years into a long and devastating season. New blows hit before I could heal from the last ones. I was exhausted.

I wanted others to see me- to see the God in me. But I felt hidden. So hidden that I would walk into stores, and people would bump into me as if they never saw me. I often watched men flirt with one of my girlfriends as if I wasn’t there. And when I expressed interest in sharing my gifts in my old church home, I was often overlooked or dismissed. The thing I’d reveled in for years had become a thorn in my side. I was hidden, only this time, it wasn’t my choice.

You see, when God hides something or someone, there is a purpose in it. It is not a game to Him-- it is intentional.

Luke 19:28-34 (NLT) is the beginning of a familiar story. If you grew up in church like me, you’ll know this as the Palm Sunday scripture. Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, and crowds of people saw him, gathered, and praised him. But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about the young donkey that Jesus rode.

Verses 30-31 says, “Go into that village over there,’ he told them. ‘As you enter it, you will see a young donkey tied there that no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks, ‘Why are you untying that colt?’ say, ‘The Lord needs it.’”

A donkey in those days served many purposes. Interestingly enough, you see kings and prophets riding donkeys throughout the Bible. What strikes me is that this particular donkey had never been ridden. And I ask myself, why?

Surely, the donkey’s owner had use for it. It’s not like he saved the donkey because he knew Jesus was coming, right? If I can use my imagination, I’m sure people walked by that tied donkey day after day, yet no person was placed upon its back. Why?

Perhaps because the donkey was hidden. Hidden, until it was time for the fulfillment of its purpose.

Look, I know this seems simple, maybe even a little ridiculous. I mean, of all the beauty entangled within those particular verses, I chose to focus on the donkey?

But I want you to get a message from the tied donkey.

If you’re like me, and something tells me you might be, you have had seasons where you felt overlooked. Like the donkey, you watch people walk by you and ignore you. You see the Master using everyone else while you are still tied up on the pole. Frustration ignites, and bitterness invites resentment as you wonder when God will release you from your restraints.

But your day is coming, Friend. In our text, Jesus tells his disciples to let the donkey’s master know that the Lord needs it. Not wants- needs.

Do you know what it is to be needed in the Kingdom? If God took the time to hide you, He has a need for you for a specific purpose. God does not hide what He does not cherish.

Psalms 139:15- “You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.”

Hidden

Psalm 17:8- “Guard me as you would guard your own eyes. Hide me in the shadow of your wings.”

Hidden

Matthew 11:25- “At the time, Jesus prayed this prayer: “ O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding these things from those who think themselves wise or clever, and for revealing them to the childlike.”

Hidden

Psalm 91:1-2-  “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”

Hidden

God hides people, situations, and even his own thoughts for different reasons. I have had to learn to embrace this time of being hidden by God. It has been humbling for me because what I used to see as neglect by a seemingly distant God, I now see as divine selection from a compassionate and caring Father. The purpose of my hidden season is to heal. God is going to form a ministry out of my pain, but I have to be well enough, no—healed enough—to walk into the purpose God is preparing me for.

And I believe God has an amazing reason for hiding you too. Take this to heart, Friend. God has not forgotten you. We are very much needed here. One day, God will send someone to release you from those ropes and take you out of hiding. So, get ready. But for now, cozy up in God’s care because the hiding place is a beautiful place.

Let us pray.

Almighty and all wise, God. Thank you for this season of hiding. It is no accident that you have set me aside to be revealed in your time and for your purpose. I pray that you give us what we need in this time of preparation, healing, and restoration. Let us draw closer to you so that when you have need of us, we are ready to walk into purpose. In Jesus’ name, Amen