January 18, 2022. Exactly nine months earlier, I had shared the news with my husband that we were expecting. As first-time parents, we were excited and nervous and couldn’t wait for our due date: January 18, 2022. However, we learned eleven weeks into my pregnancy that we would never have the chance to meet this little one on this side of heaven. On January 18, 2022, instead of welcoming our baby, I was standing in front of a group of women in the fellowship hall at church, leading an event focused on choosing a word for the year.
I had spent 2021 with the word pursue. I picked this word out of Proverbs 15:9 which says, “The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but he loves him who pursues righteousness.” I was fascinated by what the Bible says about what it looks like to “pursue righteousness,” and pursue also fit our desire to grow our family. I had no idea when I selected that word that I would be challenged to pursue the Lord in utter heartbreak.
In my grief, the Lord brought to mind a pastor I had met in 2013 at a conference for missionaries in France, and I was so grateful to find my handwritten notes from what he shared. He had agreed to be the speaker at the conference and teach from C.S. Lewis’s The Problem of Pain over a year in advance. When he said yes to the speaking engagement, he had no idea that before he would ever get to the conference, he would suddenly lose his wife of 26 years. Cancer made him a widow, leaving him to marry off his two grown daughters alone.
A man clearly grieving shared with such conviction:
“With the joy that I accept your blessing, I must with humility accept suffering, offered by the same hand.”
As he talked about praying for his wife’s healing, he reminded us to “ASK for what you want” in prayer, but he encouraged us to “ask MORE for His will.” In his suffering, he modeled what it looked like to have a right relationship with the Lord - to have a correct view of God despite pain and loss and grief. And, he encouraged us to develop immediately a prayer habit that we could rely on in times of pain. To pursue “Abba Father” in spiritual disciplines right now, because when you are going through the trial you might not “feel” like praying, reading the word, or fellowshipping with others; however, these practices can bring comfort beyond understanding when you go through the valley.
He said, “Prepare now in spiritual disciplines that you might be a witness to others when you suffer pain.”
January 18, 2022. I stood in front of that group of women and shared the pain of my miscarriage, but more importantly, I shared how in grief I experienced God’s grace in new and profound ways. He continued to pursue my heart even when I was mad and confused. “Abba Father” used sermon notes, scriptures, worship songs, and so many different people to help me find rest in His goodness. Although I didn't want to feel anything, the tears would come as I found myself writing out prayers. I was so upset and disappointed, but at the very same time, I knew without a doubt that God works all things for His glory and my good.
I shared with the women that night that my word for 2022 was remember. I knew I needed to continue to remember who God is, to remember what he has done for me, and to remember that I can trust his heart. I also found hope in Genesis 30:22 that God “remembered Rachel” and “opened her womb” and 1 Samuel 1:19-20 “...the Lord remembered her. And in due time Hanah conceived and bore a son” Remember is one of the most repeated commands in the bible, and the Hebrew word for remember “zakar” is not just a head activity, but a body activity - a thought accompanied by action. I had no idea how much I would need this word in 2022.
January 18, 2022. What I did not tell the group of women that night was that this day which was supposed to be our original due date also turned out to be the day I learned we were pregnant again. I was blown away by the timing and the reminder that God is always in the details. As the pregnancy progressed, there were so many opportunities to resist giving in to fear or “what if...” thinking and to remember that no matter what happens God is good and in control.
January 18, 2022. Exactly nine months later, on a Sunday in September, we welcomed our healthy little baby boy William Patrick Rahlf. The joy, love, and wonder as I held my little man in my arms for the first time is as hard to explain as the sorrow, numbness, and anger I experienced all those months before. But God showed up for me in every one of those emotions.
Whether my praise is through tears of pain or a heart overflowing with thanksgiving, I want to always remember - and live in surrender to the truth - that God is worthy of all glory, and honor, and praise. Whether he gives or takes away, “my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name” because He is a God who pursues and remembers me.
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